my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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