he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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