I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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