mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
