Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Randomize