No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
