K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Where is the hickey?
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize