Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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