During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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