so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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