Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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