just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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