Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
