you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
