bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
