Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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