Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
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