I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
