You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
