My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
i am craving dick and cupcakes
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
