so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
