Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
