i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
