tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
