i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
