He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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