youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
