The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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