OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
