i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
