remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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