I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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