Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Randomize
