I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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