i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
