I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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