Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
