do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
