I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
