Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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