I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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