hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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