We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
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