I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Randomize
