I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Randomize
