Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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