tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
