What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
