I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
