I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
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