I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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