You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
