every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Even my vagina gasped.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Randomize
