This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Randomize
