NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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