i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize