I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
She's the barista slut.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
