she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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