OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
