i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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