Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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