mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
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