I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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